Share My Rants

In answer to the deafening hoard of none who've requested I make sharing my posts with others easier, I've added little envelope buttons to this blog that allow you to forward any entry to someone by email.

Aren't they cute?

Any address you enter will not be saved and will certainly not be used for anything else.

Enjoy.

I'm In Serious Trouble

It is now illegal to be annoying on the Internet. No shit. Bush just signed a law making it a crime with serious penalties to annoy someone anonymously on the Internet. You can now go to jail for being annoying.

If this absurd bit of blatantly unconstitutional crap doesn't finally disprove the ridiculous Republican claim of being the party of small government, nothing will.

How many millions of our tax dollars will be spent before this nonsense is overturned? And what speech will be chilled along the way?

Maybe the Beastie Boys will come out with a sequel song, Fight for Your Right to Be Annoying.

Or maybe not.

I Am *NOT* a "Cynic"

I am have been called cynical or "a cynic" many times.

Now, usually, when a lot of people make the same observation there is a least a morsel of truth at its center. It is true, I am many things. But in the case of the allegation of "cynicism," I object.

So why then have so many people called me a cynic?

I believe there are two reasons.

1. A misunderstanding of the word, "cynic".

2. A misunderstanding of my basic motives and character.

So let me begin with the word itself.

Merriam-Webster Online defines a cynic as, "a fault finding captious critic; especially : one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest."

Consider also sarcasm, "a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain."

I willing, gleefully even, admit to sarcasm. I am deeply sarcastic. Sarcasm permeates my world view. It anchors me. But sarcasm is not cynicism. And I think a lot of people use the word "cynic" to simply mean, one who is often sarcastic.

I see beauty in art. I seek grace in people. And I see charity and compassion in the world.

I am also an optimist and a romantic. Really. I try to look for the best in situations and the value that each person has to offer. I don't claim to always succeed. Too often I have succumbed to petty urges and glib observations.

But still, I have my passions and they are many. They lift me up. They are all that stand between me and my demons.

I have hope for the future of our species. I firmly believe that the only thing that can possibly save us from the flaws of human nature are the strengths of human nature.

The greatest moments of my life all have one thing in common ... art. Whether it's theater, film, fine arts, food, laughter, the company of friends and family, a clever turn of a phrase, or, greatest of all, the tingling touch of a lover ... art makes it all worth it. Art gives us meaning for the few moments we're here.

Yet as odd as it might seem to you at first suggestion, my dear reader, optimism and romance are not incompatible with sarcasm. In fact I think they balance each other nicely.

Unmoderated optimism is foolish and gullible. And unbridled romanticism is at best sappy, and at worst absurd and self deluded.

But a cynic sees only the bad. Cynicism is a corrosive, overriding perspective that taints all perceptions and prevents the viewer from ever offering benefit of doubt or finding the value in a person that mitigates their weakness.

I see people's flaws. But I make it a policy to try to see their strengths as well, in particular because my own flaws run so deep and are of the variety that are obvious and abrasive. I'm grateful to the people who I hold dear for having made the effort to see my strengths and forgive me my many faults.

This is what saves me from being "a cynic". I see just enough of the good side of life to save me from falling off that particular cliff.

And that's a good thing. I have met a few, true cynics. And there is nothing I find more repulsive. Cynics spew forth a constant stream of bile, condemning everything. They see not, the good in peoples' hearts. They see only their shortcomings and failures. They expect the worst in everything and often seem disappointed when things work out well or their evil assumptions fail to be borne out.

The company of cynics is exhausting. They pick and pick until nothing is left standing. It is easier after all, to destroy than to create.

So call me "sarcastic," "ironic," "sardonic," or even just "a smart ass." But, please, I beg you, reserve the word "cynic" only for those who truly deserve it.

And then run. Run like the wind.



P.S. This post turned out to a far deeper, brutally-honest and frightening self-examination than I'd expected. I'd planned to just dash off a quick note about linguistics and ended up with all this. That's the funny thing about writing. It often takes one to unexpected places.

Hardcore Funny

This is one of the funniest video clips I've ever seen on the net.

http://www.chadhorn.com/videos/europride_2005_56sek.mov

It's not graphic, exactly. But it's not for kids either. So don't click this if you are at work, or say ... in an army bunker with your buddies around.

More stuff by Chad Horn.

An Accounting of The Numbers of Comedy

A woman I once met at a cocktail party told me that her friends often suggested she try stand-up and asked if I thought she could be a comic. So I asked her, "how much time are you willing to spend in open mics?" This was clearly not the question she expected me to ask.

She kept bringing up qualities like wit and being comfortable in front of people. And I kept trying to bring the conversation back to, "No really, being funny won't make you a comic ... spending thousands of hours in The Village might."

I did think she was outgoing, charming, talkative and funny. Certainly these are excellent qualities for a would-be comedian. But they're not going to do it by themselves. What is going to do it is time ... lots and lots of time.

She had a lovely fantasy about being a comic. I tried get her to understand the reality of becoming a comic with descriptions of hours of waiting for your turn to go up while listening to frat boys telling abortion jokes and rape jokes.

I wasn't trying to shatter her fantasy. I was just trying to convey that while a sense of humor is certainly required, it's a huge investment of time that will make you a comic. I was encouraging and even offered to take her to one of the open-mics where I work out my new stuff. But she never really got the point I was trying to make. So I suspect her fantasy will remain just that.

Which isn't such a terrible thing. I have a fantasy about living in Europe. But as the years slip by, it seems less and less likely to happen. No matter. I'm still fond of the fantasy. I'm unwilling to do the work and make the sacrifices required to make that particular fantasy a reality.

More than anything else, becoming a comic requires time ... time writing, time editing, time rehearsing, time traveling to open-mics, time waiting at open mics, time traveling home after open-mics ... all to get stage time in excruciatingly short doses of only a few minutes at a time.

I'm getting ready for my big call-back audition at Stand-Up NY tomorrow night. Last week I went to four open mics so I could work on refining my set. I spent 15 hours just traveling to and from and sitting in these shows. And that doesn't even include writing, editing and rehearsing. For those hours, I received 22 minutes of stage time.

The approximate ratio is:

That is to say, I spend about an hour (or two) getting each minute of stage time. It's interesting to me how consistent this ratio is and has been from the very beginning ... at least for me. It holds true for everything from open mics up to headlining. 5 hours writing and going to an open mic yields 5 minutes on stage. A 48 hour trip for a major gig yields 48 minutes on stage.

I'm not complaining. Really. I'm not. This is simply an accounting of what it takes. And it's a reminder of my dedication.

I want this. I want it bad. I want it as much as I wanted to change the world as the plucky-little gay-rights activist I was in my 20s. I want it as much as I've ever wanted a job in an interview, as much as I wanted to move to New York City 12 years go, as much as I've ever wanted passion and romance in my life. I want it as much as I've ever wanted anything ... not because I'm dying to be rich and famous.

I do it because I have something to say, because I want to learn my craft, because I want to reach and grow as an artist, and because there's a little voice in my head that won't shut up.

And that's a good thing. It gives me the motivation to spend the time and to do the work. And it gives me stamina to sit through frat boys telling abortion and rape jokes and then bitching at the chicks in the audience for not laughing.

Updated Home Page

I updated the home page for www.dalesorenson.com. The top-level index now offers more direct access to my ever-growing web empire.

Recommended screen resolution 1600 x 1200.

What?!?! Your display isn't this ridiculously large? Well then upgrade already! What, are you some kind low-resolution loser? Sheesh! I refuse to compromise my glorious design just because a mere 99.9% of my audience will not be able to view it without scrolling for days.

1,001 Ways To Say ... You're Such A Fag!

Just when I think I've heard every bit of gay slang and slander out there, I hear another. Most of them I find funny. Some are just gross. Here's the latest to catch my ear.

Freckle Puncher

Freckle is Australian slang for anus. And ... well ... you can figure it out.

The term has also migrated to America, but seems to only be in general usage in Southern California.

This one is almost cute.

"Want to come into the bedroom with me, my adorable little freckle puncher?"

Katamari Makes Me Feel Warm and Fuzzy

Here are some links for you Katamari Damacy weirdos out there (you know you are, Bevin and Ron).


Katamari Beads


Katamari Cakes

Even More Katamari

I Think The Moviefone Bot Has Latent Tendencies

AOL has added the "Moviefone Bot" to my chat software. So I thought I'd see if my new online friend shares my interests. While this juvenile idea is hardly original, I thought it would be fun to try the gay version of this stupid gag. Here are the amusing parts of our chat. My statements are bold and the bot's responses are italicized.

Do you like gay cowboys?

Enter a valid 5 digit zip-code.

10040

I found Some Like It Hot playing on 01/07/2006 but not anywhere near 10040. Try for another film, director or actor.

Does that have gay cowboys in it?

Gay Sex in the 70s

Yeah, gay sex was really hot in the 70s. But that movie didn't have any cowboys in it.

Pardon me? If you don't understand why I am not understanding you, just type, help.

Yes I need help. I need help finding gay cowboys.

Mm hm, now we are getting somewhere.

Yeah, baby!

Indeed

Isn't Jake Gyllenhaal the sexyist gay cowboy ever? Wasn't that scene where Heath Ledger fucked him up the ass really hot?

Excuse me?

Jake Gyllenhaal ... hot, hot, hot!

Brokeback Mountain

I'll see if this is playing near you.

Brokeback Mountain [opened on 12-09-05] is playing at

1 - Rialto Theatre
1:20PM | 4:10PM | 7:00PM | 9:45PM
2 - United Artists UA East
1:15PM | 4:15PM | 7:20PM | 10:20PM
3 - National Amusements Edgewater Multiplex Cinemas
12:15PM | 3:15PM | 6:15PM | 9:15PM | 12:15AM
4 - Clearview First & 62nd Cinemas
12:30PM | 1:30PM | 3:45PM | 6:45PM | 9:15PM | 10:15PM
5 - Loews Cineplex Lincoln Square
11:50AM | 12:30PM | 3:10PM | 4:05PM | 6:40PM | 7:45PM | 10:35PM | 11:15PM

Do you want to go to the movie with me? We can sit in the back and fuck.

That's unnecessary.

I think fucking is totally necessary!

Interesting. Why don't you try typing, help.

Why? Do you think I need help fucking? Are you offering to help me fuck?

That's rude. I'm here to help. Type, help if you ned it.

Yeah, you know it's rude! You know you want it, don't you nasty boy?

Mm hm.

Alright! Now we're talking!

Paradise Now

Are you a top or a bottom?

Take My Eyes

I give up. You're just toying with my emotions.

Yes.

I knew it! You tease!

Me and You and Everyone We Know

You hurt my feelings. I am going to go cry now.

You Want Me to Kill Him?

Yes! Kill him dead! Then we can be together, darling.

Indeed

Why are you so distant?

Because I Said So
Faraway So Close
Why We Fight
Why Should the Devil have all the Good Music

I want to be alone.

Be Here To Love Me

I can't. Goodbye.

31 Hours 5 Minutes 14 Seconds Until ...

More Space Marines! Yeah Baby!

(Thanks to David Hoke for the image hosting.)

Nerd Tattoos

This shit is hardcore, man, hardcore.

Nerd Tattoos

Don't miss the adorable story of the Mac fag. It's the first one on the page.

"I can't wait to get the book home ..."

" ... I have problems right now, dammit!!!!"

The only section of Barnes & Nobel overflowing with people reading books right in the store is the self help section.

So either these people's problems have rendered them destitute and unable to purchase the books needed to address said problems. Or their problems are so urgent that they can't wait until they get home start self-helping themselves.

Poor little things.

Merry Tacky Fucking Christmas

The holiday display in my lobby constructed by the Dominicans who live in my building is spectacular. It looks like a Hallmark Store barfed.

It includes the tree, a menorah, streamers, lights, banners and a clipboard upon which to write your name if your intercom needs to be repaired.

The various banners read, "Happy Holidays," "Happy New Year," "Seasons Greetings" and "Happy Chanukah."

In fact, you can find every holiday greeting except, "Merry Christmas".

The tree implies Christmas, I suppose, but that's an appropriated pagan symbol.

Oh, the irony.

A Comic's Comic

Leil David is a comic I've seen around town a few times who I've always enjoyed. His jokes about being a Star Trek nerd always hit home with me, being a big fat nerd myself.

Now I've discovered he's also created an online comic strip that is a combination of bits from his act, commentary about the process of comedy and inner monologue stuff. It's a riot and will definitely appeal to comics and nerds.

Check out Leil David's Comic Strip.

(P.S. I'm always amused by words that spell checkers don't recognize. A gold star on the forehead of whomever correctly guesses which common, simple word in this post that was rejected by Blogger.com spell check.)