All Your Robot Grafitti Are Belong To Us

Gayer and Gayer and Gayer

I often worry I'm not doing enough on my quest to be the gayest nerd on the planet. Oh sure, I founded a gay board game club. I performed a gay wedding of gay gamers in a gay guild in World of Warcraft. I go to tech shows and take pictures of both the gadgets and the nerd hotties. I masturbate to German gay soap operas while listening to Kylie Minogue. (Who doesn't?) But as I reflect fondly on events such as these I always wonder, "what can I do to totally fag out today?"

Today is the 19th anniversary of my coming out. I didn't plan anything special. I was thinking I might watch Flash Gordon again. That's pretty gay, right? But it just didn't feel like I was doing anything to up the ante.

So I did what I always do when I feel like I'm not achieving enough, surf Google Images for pics of hot guys. And I've just now learned that my coming out day, today, is the anniversary of the invention of the word "homosexual" itself.

Whew!

Thanks, Internet. I feel gayer now.

Daddy Wants a Pretty Robot Boy

SPOILER ALERT: If you are watching Battlestar Galactica and you haven't caught up to the Season 3 finale you should probably stop reading.

Everyone knows that Cylons use to be shiny chrome ...



... but are now sexy clones ....



Human-looking Cylons don't die. If they are killed, they reincarnate with full memories into an identical body on their Resurrection Ship.



There are rows and rows of these cloned bodies ready to go on this ship.

OK. Listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you because it's the most important thing you are ever likely to learn.

It has now been revealed that adorable stud muffin Samuel T. Anders is a Cylon. That means that on the Resurrection Ship there are hundreds of these just hanging around.



I want one.

No wait. Screw that.

I want two.

Who's a pretty boy?

Ensign Crusher, You're So Dreamy

I am so gay for Wil Wheaton. Not only is he a total hottie, but he's smart and funny as all git out. He delivered the keynote address at Penny Arcade Expo, an annual gathering of video gamers. He recounts his childhood growing up in the 80s being a nerd. In telling his story he tells my story.

This magnificent bit of storytelling would be right at home on This American Life. Whether or not you're a gamer, this is worth a listen.

Thanks, Wil. You're awesome.

What are you doing Friday night?

Fellowship of the Really Pissed Off Nerds

OK, kids. It's time for remedial question and answer time.

QUESTION: Who loves Lord of the Rings?

ANSWER: Nerds

QUESTION: When you offer a nerd a choice between less of something the nerd loves or more of something the nerd loves, which does the nerd choose?

ANSWER: More

QUESTION: Who are the early adopters of high-definition home theater?

ANSWER: Nerds

QUESTION: Which release of Lord of the Rings offers more Lord of the Rings, the theatrical release or the extended edition?

ANSWER: The extended edition

QUESTION: So given that nerds love Lord of the Rings, have high-definition home theater and want more of what they love, which version of Lord of the Rings is New Line Cinema considering releasing on hi-def DVD?

ANSWER: Why, the theatrical release without the extended scenes, of course. (Because everything on the Internet is true.)

Fuck you, New Line Cinema. Fuck you right in the ear.

I'm not touching your stinking hi-def Lord of the Rings DVDs until you put out the extended editions.

Of course, it's all a bit academic, since they haven't release or even announced anything official yet. But I've never let that get in the way of a good rant.

Oh yeah ... and fuck you too, George Lucas. How many freaking times to I have to buy the Star Wars Trilogy?

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

Revived, Repurposed and Redeemed

Instead of one of my usual, malcontented rants, I thought I'd post something that actually complies with the stated purposed of this blog, just to be different.

Two years ago I wrote Ode to the XBox 360 as a satirical blog essay. I liked it and decided to try to perform it as stand up. It failed utterly. But I remained convinced that it could performed and enjoyed in some other form.

I dusted it off, edited the intro slightly and performed it for the Nerd Poetry Slam at the Bowery Poetry Club this week. What fun!

It was my first time performing at a spoken word event and it was a smashing success. The crowd was jammed with nerds. The host wore a T-Shirt bearing the image of The Simpsons Comic Book Guy and asked questions about Star Trek and Muppets.

Anyone who failed the trivia challenge was mocked by audience chants of "Not a nerd! Not a nerd!"

Where previously the bit had failed, it worked here for four reasons.

1. Most importantly, it was the right crowd.

2. The writing conformed to the format of the event.

3. While the changes were minor, the edited intro set up set the tone of satire and condescension rather nicely.

4. My performing skill has increased dramatically. I'm still no Sir Ian McKellen and I never will be. But I was able to project a variety of emotions and use a variety of vocal and mic techniques to punctuate the bit. I really enjoyed what I was doing and felt in command of the performance.

The event was judged and I didn't win. But I didn't care. I got what I wanted out of it and had a lot of fun.



Oddly, they played a continuous video of 80s cartoon toy ads behind the performers during the show. At a stand up club this would be unheard of and fatally distracting. But somehow it worked. Having the Transformers behind me as I sing the praises of a video game console seems to fit in some strange way.

The cherry on my ice cream Sunday of nerd came at the end. After the last performance the theme to the original Battlestar Galactica was played and the host started in on the monologue. He made a mistake and in the rather raucous atmosphere I chided him, "get it right!" He asked if I knew it and when I affirmed he surrendered the mic.

With the music rising to a majestic crescendo I stormed the stage, and with the crowd cheering recited....


Fleeing from the Cylon tyranny,
the last Battlestar, Galactica,
leads a rag-tag fugitive fleet on a lonely quest:
a shining planet ... known as Earth!


I felt like a rock star!

Jedi stamps are hawt!

Nerdgasm!

I'm Too Lazy To Get Lost

I'm really into the show, Lost. The story and mythology are excellent.

The show creators have also given us an online game, The Lost Experience. It is set in the same universe but tells different stories that do not intersect with the show.

It all starts at The Hanso Foundation, which seems pleasant enough at first, but quickly takes a turn toward the dark and sinister.

Hint, start with the newsletter sign up and be sure to remember your username. You'll need it when you come back later.

If, like me, you're too lazy to figure it all out yourself, here a Lost Experience Walk Through.

Star War: The Backstroke of the West

And now to the question simply everyone is asking....

What would happen if a Bangkok bootlegger translated Star Wars III into Chinese and then back into English?

Why, fun for the whole family, of course!

Star War: The Backstroke of the West



My God! Not disheveled hair projection!



Um ... you mean like in a bad way? Or a good way?



Funny, I usually have the same reaction to Hayden Christensen.

31 Hours 5 Minutes 14 Seconds Until ...

More Space Marines! Yeah Baby!

(Thanks to David Hoke for the image hosting.)

Muffins in Space!

The new Battelstar Galactica is the best show on Television.

That's right, punk. You heard me, bitch.

Not, the best science fiction show on Television.

The best show.

Period.

And it's not just us nerds that think so. The critics agree. (Not that I give a flying fuck about them.)

Why?

The writing, the acting and the directing of course.

What else could it be possibly be?