I'm here. Wish you were gay.

Snicker

That's A Lot O' Gay

Today is the 20th anniversary of my Coming Out. That's two decades of gay, people. I'm exhausted.

To mark the occasion, here's of a photo of me at 20 years old rockin' a pair of acid washed jeans. Oh yeah! I'd tap that!

Three Tastes That Taste Great Together

I asked the small-town Sonoma, resort staff where I could go out for some night life. Without the slightest hint of irony they suggested I go to the local "Gay Leather/Disco/Sushi Bar".

Perfect! Leather, Disco and Sushi ... the most natural combination in the world.

I found the disco, no problem.



Alas, leather was in short supply.

And I was warned by the locals to avoid the sushi.



Good advice.

I chatted with the friendly locals.

"Wow, California's a big change from New York."

"Not really, old Jews and old hippies are equally annoying, just for different reasons."

"Great crowd here tonight, right?"

"No. They're mostly unfuckable."

"Wow. You're really sardonic."

"Oh. Sorry. Do you want me to tone it down? I'm not sure I know how."

This conversation made me realize two things about New York that I take for granted.

First, I'd forgotten how much more fit and attractive New Yorkers are than most Americans outside major cities.

And second, while my sense of humor is a bit more condescending than the general background level of sarcasm in New York, in the rest of the country it's pretty shocking.

Oh well. Please refer to the title of this blog. Thank you.

If we absolutely must have a new 90210 ...

... may we please have an actual gay character this time instead of one that's just "confused"?

Super Gay and More Than A Village

Gay Village is Rome’s huge gay nightlife party. It’s only in the summer and it’s in a park. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Tents, kiosks, bars, booths and dance floors sprawl as far as the eye can see.





It’s a veritable carnival of gay, gay, gay. It’s refreshing to see so many gay men and lesbians out together. New York’s queer community is quite segregated.

The selection at the snack booth is dizzying.







There’s a spin class. People brought biker shorts and gym bags for it.



The tobacconists are there to poison us and make otherwise attractive people repulsive. Fuck you, Phillip Morris.



There’s even a car show.



I decided to do it all. I was interviewed live on Radio Dee Gay. The lovely Sophia offered to teach me some Italian and asked what I wanted to learn. I said, “Since everyone here is so gorgeous I want to learn how to say ‘you are beautiful!’”

Bellissima!



There’s a booth where you can have your own photo shoot. I was feeling tipsy and sexy so I went for it.





Afterwards everyone spills out onto the streets.



These stands sell drunk food and, of course, more beer. What a country!

Gee, Thanks

Lost, ABC's fantasy suckfest full of hotties, intrigue and sex now has a gay character. He's the psychotic, evil, sorta-sea-captain-looking guy.

Now, I'd get my panties in a bunch about the gay character being psychotic and evil except everyone on that loony island is one or the other. The interesting ones are both. So fine.

He's a total eyesore but he has a taste for the finer things in life. He enjoys Manhattan hotel suites, room service and super-hot, foreign boys. This is a man I can respect.

So what hot, man-on-man action does Lost have to offer?

"Arturo, we have some business to conduct. Could you leave us alone for a minute?"

Stage direction: Kiss on the cheek. Arturo exits.

What?!?!

That's it. No hot hotel action. No showering. No lingering bedroom shots. No running around in very little clothing like ... say ... all the straight characters.

Nope. None of that for the queers.

Gay = Get off screen as fast as possible before you make anyone nervous.

Go fuck yourself, Lost.

Strippers for World Peace

I have discovered something as bad, laughable and ludicrous as lesbian folk music to save the environment. It's gay disco against racism. Yes, there is actually a disco music video of gay, multi-ethnic strippers lip-syncing lyrics like "We all belong together."



I guess Jesse Jackson will be out of a job now that these go-go boys' rock-hard abs have solved the issue of race relations.

Nothing Gay To See Here, Move Along

One heartfelt post about astronomy and now we’re back to nipples. I feel so much better.



As you can clearly see from the photo, there is absolutely nothing gay about these “Hard, Sexy, Hot” guys. They are “For Crazy Ladies Only” and not gay at all. Nope. Not gay. Not even a little. No gay here. Just ladies’ men. Who are not gay. At all. Just a big pile of Latin dudes. Who are not gay. Nope. Not gay. They are “The Best, The Biggest.” And totally straight. Meaning not gay. At all.

Helpful Advice for the Curious Traveller

Suppose while traveling you decide on a warm afternoon to seek a brief respite from the sun in a friendly neighborhood dispensary of libations. And suppose further that halfway into your drink it occurs to you to wonder whether the establishment perhaps caters to patrons who are occasionally inclined to seek the company of members of their own gender.

Well then, dear reader, here are my travel tips for you.

First, when pretty boys clad only in leather aprons serve daquiries poolside in front of a giant rainbow flag, odds are pretty good you are in a gay bar.

And second, for reasons that elude me, fags smoking cigarettes, reading magazines and sipping martinis do not seem to appreciate cannonballs, no matter how artfully executed.

I am so gay for the iPhone

Gay Toons

These videos are a level of gay I didn't know existed.

America's First Faggot

I think a Hillary Clinton Presidency has the potential to be greatest presidency in American history.

Now before you get all excited, dear reader, hear me out.

My belief is not based on the woman or her policies. It's based on a fundamental problem about which I don't think our nation has thought, but which I have. Not only have I identified what will be the major problem with our first woman president, but I have the solution.

Hillary Clinton would be our first Madame President.
So dear old Bill would become our first, First Gentleman.

And here's the problem ... who's gonna do the girly shit in the White House? Hillary didn't want do it when she was First Lady. So she sure as hell isn't gonna want to do it when she's President. And can you see Bill planning parties and picking out curtains? If we leave the decorating and entertaining to Bubba, it'll end up being paintings of dogs playing poker and cheese fries all the time.

No. No. No.

So a new position would have to be created. And I think you'll agree, this is the best idea I've ever had.

We need, America's First Faggot.

We get Carson Kressley to live in the White House with Hillary and Bill and do all the fabulous stuff.

Just think, Carson could invite all the world's leaders for a three day, non-stop party. Scissor Sisters play the state dinner and RuPaul performs during cocktails in the Rose Garden afterwards. And what would happen in the Lincoln Bedroom you wonder? All strippers all the time. Scandal could be avoided by, instead of keeping it all secret, producing the whole thing as a pay-per-view HBO special with the proceeds going to a national campaign to help homeless gay teens.

It's brilliant. It would work. We could solve all our foreign policy problems in one disco and booze-fueled, long weekend.

So vote Carson Kressley for America's First Faggot and make the White House fabulous!

Boy Band Brat Flags Some Seriously Kinky Shit

In his HBO concert, Future Sex/Love Show, Justin Timberlake wore a purple and fuscia, paisley hanky in his right back pocket.

This obvious display of the Gay Hanky Code means our favorite little pretty boy brat has piercings, a fetish for boxer shorts and likes to get spanked.

Can this really be a surprise to anyone?

Here's How To Know When It's Time To Leave The Work Party

"Hey, Dale. I've always wondered, are you a top or a bottom?"

"Check, please!"

Gay Alien Marshmallow Baby Pride

Apparently this year's theme for New York City gay pride is Pokemon aliens with marshmallow babies.

Hardcore Funny

This is one of the funniest video clips I've ever seen on the net.

http://www.chadhorn.com/videos/europride_2005_56sek.mov

It's not graphic, exactly. But it's not for kids either. So don't click this if you are at work, or say ... in an army bunker with your buddies around.

More stuff by Chad Horn.

1,001 Ways To Say ... You're Such A Fag!

Just when I think I've heard every bit of gay slang and slander out there, I hear another. Most of them I find funny. Some are just gross. Here's the latest to catch my ear.

Freckle Puncher

Freckle is Australian slang for anus. And ... well ... you can figure it out.

The term has also migrated to America, but seems to only be in general usage in Southern California.

This one is almost cute.

"Want to come into the bedroom with me, my adorable little freckle puncher?"

Opposites Attract

Under the title, "I Hate Gay Men," fellow gay comic and sexy little vixen, Adam Sank, mentioned in his blog the problem that gay comics have with gay audiences. Put simply, gay audiences are not impressed by gay comics. "Yeah, whatever fag boy. We've heard it all before."

I have experienced this myself. I have bombed in front of gay crowds as badly as anyone has ever bombed. So I don't pretend to be an expert on this. But I do have a few thoughts about this, about which I will now proceed to ramble.

Straight audiences see us as fun, cosmopolitan, catty, outrageous ... whatever. Especially tourists, "Oh goody! A gay comic! I loooooove Will & Grace!" We get extra credit from straight crowds just for being gay. 95% of the crowds I play are straight and I'm usually the token homo on the bill. So I have fun with that status and get extra laughs for it.

But the flip side is that our own people really make us work. They're inherently bored by us, because they are us and we are them. There's nothing intriguing about being gay for them.

The same is sometimes true in reverse for straight girl comics, who can have a tough time with mainstream crowds. If they're ugly, the guys hate them. And if they're pretty, the girls hate them. (It ain't PC, but it's true.) But gay male audiences love girl comics. Witness the force of nature that is Margaret Cho and her eight billon gay fans. Girl comics get extra credit from gay men for being themselves. "You go girl!"

I find that just realizing these dynamics can help.

Some of my gay material is constructed to play to the audience's reaction of, "Oh neato! He's gay!" And when I play straight rooms a lot, I get used having that there. When that feeling isn't there, that means of establishing a connection doesn't work. That doesn't mean the bits can't work. It just means there needs to be a shift in attitude and delivery.

I find that if I just switch inside my own head from "Look at me, I'm gay, Wheeeee!" to, "OK, we're all gay here, so let's relate," sometimes it's enough.

Gay comic Michael Brill is an absolute master at this. Every time I play a show with him at Don't Tell Mama's I learn from him. I watch him on stage with something approaching awe. He can connect to any audience, gay or straight, guys or gals, time and again.

If I'm having a tough time connecting to a particular crowd I'll play to the girls first. As a gay comic, I can use that gay guy/straight girl bond to bring the girls in. In fact, whether or not I'm having a tough time, I usually play to girls first, even if it's just for 30-60 seconds.

Guys out on dates with girls wanna get laid after the show. And most girls hate homophobic guys. So if the guy is a jerk, he's not gettin' any.

"Ooooo! Isn't he fabulous, honey?"

"Yeah, sure, baby. Whatever. Have I told you how great your tits look in that outfit?"

So girls bring their guys with them. This is still true when the guys are gay. Get the fag hags and you'll get their fags with them.

So, yeah, gay crowds are tricky for a gay comic.

But, "Ve hov vays ov making you laugh."

My head is going to explode!

Check out this Daily Show segment on the gay-ification of NASCAR.

(Click the little "mute" button on the annoying ad if it plays at the same time.)

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