Real men aren't afraid to try lip gloss.

Sorry, Dale Isn't Here Right Now.

But if you speak at the tone, you may leave a message for Elton John.

Accidental Groupie

Jungle Red produced by All Gay Frat House is an all drag queen production of the musical adaptation of the all-female cast, classic film, The Women. The bar is set. If you'd like create the gayest show in the world your work is cut out for you.

I went to see this show in San Francisco because if you don't see at least one drag show while visiting this town they don't let you come back. And because it stars Varla Jean Merman, love child of the eight-day long, annulled marriage of Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine. That's Varla's story and she's sticking to it.

Quite by chance, every time Carson and I hang out, Varla has a show. I've seen her five times in New York, San Francisco and Provincetown. I never intended to be a drag queen fan boy ... it just happened. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My reluctant fan status notwithstanding, any chick who can yodel while downing a whole can of spray cheese gets a hearty thumbs up from me ... and maybe a little tongue.



Varla Jean Merman, Katya Smirnoff-Skyy and Me looking like a cheap gigolo.

Three Tastes That Taste Great Together

I asked the small-town Sonoma, resort staff where I could go out for some night life. Without the slightest hint of irony they suggested I go to the local "Gay Leather/Disco/Sushi Bar".

Perfect! Leather, Disco and Sushi ... the most natural combination in the world.

I found the disco, no problem.



Alas, leather was in short supply.

And I was warned by the locals to avoid the sushi.



Good advice.

I chatted with the friendly locals.

"Wow, California's a big change from New York."

"Not really, old Jews and old hippies are equally annoying, just for different reasons."

"Great crowd here tonight, right?"

"No. They're mostly unfuckable."

"Wow. You're really sardonic."

"Oh. Sorry. Do you want me to tone it down? I'm not sure I know how."

This conversation made me realize two things about New York that I take for granted.

First, I'd forgotten how much more fit and attractive New Yorkers are than most Americans outside major cities.

And second, while my sense of humor is a bit more condescending than the general background level of sarcasm in New York, in the rest of the country it's pretty shocking.

Oh well. Please refer to the title of this blog. Thank you.

You know you've arrived at the gay winery ...

... when you can hear the ABBA emanating from the tasting room before
you even get out your car.

Impulse Purchase

I had half an hour to kill on Monday, so I thought, "Hey! Why not get a hole drilled in my head?" So off to a Greenwich Village piercing and tattoo parlor I went and the adorable Cricket here shoved a needle through my left ear.



19 years ago, just after coming out of the closet in Salt Lake City, I went to the earring hut in a mall food court next to the video game arcade and got my right ear pierced, the gay ear. I seem to recall my little act of rebellion also including Taco Bell and some Ms. Pacman.

Now that it's 2008 and I live in New York City, having only my right ear pierced isn't quite the statement it used to be. It's still the gay ear, although most people seem oblivious to the code these days....

Both gay and straight men often have their left ears pierced.
Both gay and straight men often have both ears pierced.
Both gay and straight men often have multiple piercings in one or both ears.
But you will almost never see a straight man with more earrings in his right ear than in his left.

Anyhoo ... I decided to abandon statements for aesthetics.
I was going for David Beckham.



Alas, I think a more honest appraisal of the look achieved is Gay Pirate.



Ah well. It'll do, I guess.

The real entertainment came after I was done and browsing earrings.

The Boy in white on the left of this photo entered with his posse of teenagers and asked for a tongue piercing. The proprietor pointed at the "Must Be 18" sign and told Boy he need ID or a parent. Boy and his buddies left.



Five minutes later Boy and friends returned with Drunk Guy in the yellow shirt. Drunk Guy walked boldly up to the counter and said, "This is my son and he wants to get his tongue pierced."

The writer in me said, "This will be interesting ... Dale, shut up and just watch." Alas, the jackass in me burst out laughing and said, "Oh yeah. That's totally his Dad."

After a brief, fruitless conversation in which it emerged that Drunk Guy didn't know Boy's name, they left and went in search of another piercing parlor.

Does This Lipgloss Make Me Taste Gay?

Blinded by the Rainbow

I went shopping in all the Dominican 99 cent stores in my neighborhood for supplies to make sock poi. Think you're secure in your masculinity? Try going up to black or Latin, totally-buff security guys, one after another, and asking "where are the stockings and girl's socks?"

As a result of this little excursion, I now know the difference between nylons, tights, knee-high socks and thigh-high stockings.

*poof*

Now I feel even gayer.

How Life Becomes Standup

People are often curious about where standup comes from and how life gets turned into material for a comedy act. The questions are often phrased in rather egocentric ways. Here are some of them and the replies I'd give if I weren't as sweet and pleasant as I am.

After saying something only mildly funny: "Oh, you're gonna use that in your act now, aren't you? You better send me a royalty check."

Reply: "No I'm not going to use that. It wasn't that good."

After saying something that is actually very funny: "Don't go putting me in your act."

Reply: "Don't worry. You're not interesting enough to put in my act and I only enjoy talking about myself."

After I say something funny: "That was funny. You should put that in your act."

Reply: "It wouldn't work in my act. That joke was custom tailored to the circumstances of this moment and to you. Stripped of context it would no longer be funny."

Whether or not real-life funny can be turned into standup hinges on whether or not the context can be reestablished for an audience who wasn't there and isn't the person for whom the occurrence was originally funny. This is what the "set up" is for. If context can be established quickly with an economy of language then you might just have the basic ingredients of a joke.

Anytime an attempted retelling of a story ends with "well I guess you had to be there" it is a failure to establish context. Another common version of this is "well I guess you'd have to know Julie." Which, by the way, is why I avoid telling long stories about people my listener doesn't know. They're boring.

So it's actually pretty rare that I'm interested in turning something funny from real life into standup for two reasons. Either context would be impossible to establish or depends on too many things to establish quickly. Or the joke isn't about me. Telling a joke about someone else requires that I establish them as a character in the narrative. Since I'd much rather talk about myself I don't usually bother.

I do have a few characters I use in my act. If I can make a joke about one my recurring characters it's far more likely to become standup. My characters are:

• Dumb Straight Boys
• Guys I'm Hitting On
• People Who Annoy Me (Computards, Whiny Chicks, My Family)
  

All of these characters serve the same narrative purpose, I need people to whom I can condescend.

---

Enough! If you've made this far then I owe you some funny. Remember the guy who called me "heteronormative"? It took a few days to gestate but it's turned into a nice little bit. I performed it at SuperEgo this week and it killed.

HETERONORMATIVE, THE BIT
I was chatting up this cute college boy and he says, "I love your beard, it's so heteronormative."

/big laugh

Not tuff, or butch, or manly.

(slowly) Het-er-o-NORM-a-tive.

/small laugh

Conforming to societal gender norms.

So I said, "Hey, You're a women's studies major aren't you?"

/big laugh

(act out his reaction of surprise during the laugh) "How did you know?"

(dripping with sarcasm) I'm psychic.

/small laugh

I've got an idea. Let's go back to my place. We can bring down the patriarchy of the military industrial complex with our homo-AB-normative butt sex.

/big laugh

There's a gender equality revolution in my pants and you're invited.

/big laugh

HETERONORMATIVE, THE ANALYSIS
Notice how many of the details get stripped out of the story to turn it into standup. You don't need to know where he was from, that he was wasted, or that I wasn't actually interested in hooking up with him. The only details needed are that he's in college and that we were flirting.

Notice the streamlining of language, events and reactions. It faster and smoother to say I was chatting him up than to say I was being chatted up by him. Notice how the choice of "chatting up" instead of "talking with" implies a bar setting. "Chatting up" also implies a sexually charged conversation and agenda. These two words paint the whole scene making them a very efficient set up.

The term heteronormative is so odd, it sounds so strange in the ear, and it's use in a pickup line is so patently absurd that the first laugh doesn't even have a punch line. Really the first laugh is still set up for what is to come.

The word is so inherently funny that it gets another laugh, albeit milder, when I say it again slowly. This is fortunate because for a lot of people I bet this is the first time they've heard the word. So it must be defined before I can continue. Usually the need to define a word means there's something wrong with a joke. But here it works.

Usually I avoid repeating words in a joke. Because once you've used a word, the second utterance usually has diminished effect. But this joke bit uses "norm" repeatedly in different forms. This is so I can do the joke that hinges on turning "normal" to "abnormal". I put a strong stress on the "ab" syllable, making it stand out.

The structure of this bit worked out so nicely. It's tight, about a minute, with 6 jokes, that's awesome. It starts with a big laugh and ends on two big laughs.

When I first started doing standup, I would tell these long winding stories with good laughs, but way too much extraneous stuff. It's all I knew how to do. The problem was the laughs were so far apart that the audience would cool off between each one so I wouldn't get any build up of momentum.

Now I know how collapse a story down now to just the bare essentials. I get in, I crank as many laughs out of a premise as I can as quick as I can, and I get out while it's still fresh.

Even the best premise can run dry if you go to the well too many times. So I always try to work a bit for one less joke than it's worth.

---

P.S. I wrote my first holocaust joke this week. It's about butt sex. I can not tell you how deeply satisfying this is for me. The hope that I created the world's first holocaust/butt sex joke makes me profoundly happy. And before you ask, the answer is "no". I'm not going to post it here. It's just too raunchy and I gotta save something for the show.

Politically Correct Pickup Lines

So I'm in a bar and this adorable but completely wasted college student chats me up. He's effusive and fun but a bit too messy to take seriously. I talk to him anyway, though, 'cause it's entertaining. And he lays this line on me....

"Great beard and buzz cut. You're so heteronormative."

"Um ... you're a women's studies major aren't you?"

"Oh my God! How did you know?"

Just a hunch, sweetheart. Just a hunch.

---

I barely know where to start with this comment, so I guess I'll just do what I usually do ... rant.

Heteronormative.

I am soooooo anything but.

(OK, I just had to stop writing and teach my spellchecker "heteronormative" so it'd stop bugging me. Do we even count stuff made up by women's studies majors as real words? Sheesh.)

I am a huge nerd and a huge fag. My beard and buzz cut are an affectation, a "look". They do not mean that I represent anything even vaguely related to male or heterosexual norms.

"Normal" is a fantasy ideal that people use to feel insecure and to denegrate themselves and others.

And here's my rather bold opinion about it....

"Normal" does not exist. There is no such thing. Absolutely no one is "normal". We are all different.

"Normal" means conforming, average and expected. I seek to be none of those things and neither should you. As far as I'm concerned the word is a pejorative. Having spent my whole life trying to get comfortable with my differences I'm now rather fond of them.

What matters is whether we're different in good ways or bad ways. Bad ways of being different include alcoholic, self obsessed, abusive and afraid. Good ways of being different include artistic, goofy, nerdy and impulsive.

The concept of normality is a way of encouraging conformity. It's a way of censoring differences in others which confuse or offend us. "That's not normal." "I just want to meet a man who is normal."

And it's a way of censoring our own differences. "Am I normal?" "Everyone wants to be normal." "Help! I'm worried I'm not normal!"

So I guess my point is this.

Fuck normal.

---

/// deep breath ///

OK, so that rant had almost nothing to do with the comment of "heteronormative". It's just "normal" has been on my mind and I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest.

So what my little buddy obviously meant was "your look appeals to me because it is a male archetype."

Which is what it's intended to be.

Problem is ... as previously mentioned ... I'm a huge nerd and a huge fag. And sometimes I forget that I've reshaped my outer appearance to be this male archetype 'cause I feel the same on the inside.

The first problem is my voice. I have the voice of a nerdy fag. I wish I had the voice of James Earl Jones or George Clooney. Every guy does. But hell, I'd be content with the wonderful, deep, resonant voice of Kathleen Turner.

So my voice causes some problems with my new look. I've actually had guys come up to me and then almost immediately walk away when I start talking. And when I think back on what turned them off I realize that my topics (nerd) and the pitch of my voice (fag) failed to deliver the fantasy offered by my look.

And I wanna squeal, "No, wait, come back! Gimmie a 'do over'. I can be butch."

So I have to remember that having adopted this affectation, I have to at least try to maintain it. There are a few things that help.

The first is a mirror. (Yes, yes. Excuse me please while I drown gazing at my own reflection.) Looking in the mirror reminds me, "oh yeah, I'm that guy now." A quick glance resyncs the inside to the outside.

The other thing that helps is something that works for the creation of almost any persona and is also helpful for seduction. It is simply this.

Talk less.

As we speak, we move from being someone's fantasy of who we are to being our real selves. So if you say less, you retain some mystery and keep a portion of yourself in the realm of fantasy.

Now I'm not suggesting being a deceptive, withholding prick. Just pace yourself. Reveal yourself slowly and it'll make your target hungry for more. Talk about your ex for twenty minutes in the first conversation and you're done.

Now if all of this sounds false, dishonest and manipulative let me say this in my defense.

I enjoy playing with archetypes and stereotypes. Because there are a thousand ways that I fit into nerd and fag stereotypes. And there are a thousand ways I contradict them. I enjoy playing into a cliché and then breaking it. Confirming it. And then breaking it again.

So my new look is just more of the same. It's me playing with different parts of myself. None of it is a lie. It's just me showing a different side of myself to the world to play with people's perceptions. Try it sometime.

Life's too short to be normal.

I Am Mr. Sparkle

I Can't Decide

If your six year old son wanted to play with the "Male Nurse Action Figure" instead of G.I. Joe, would that be more or less gay than him playing with Barbie?

Gayer and Gayer and Gayer

I often worry I'm not doing enough on my quest to be the gayest nerd on the planet. Oh sure, I founded a gay board game club. I performed a gay wedding of gay gamers in a gay guild in World of Warcraft. I go to tech shows and take pictures of both the gadgets and the nerd hotties. I masturbate to German gay soap operas while listening to Kylie Minogue. (Who doesn't?) But as I reflect fondly on events such as these I always wonder, "what can I do to totally fag out today?"

Today is the 19th anniversary of my coming out. I didn't plan anything special. I was thinking I might watch Flash Gordon again. That's pretty gay, right? But it just didn't feel like I was doing anything to up the ante.

So I did what I always do when I feel like I'm not achieving enough, surf Google Images for pics of hot guys. And I've just now learned that my coming out day, today, is the anniversary of the invention of the word "homosexual" itself.

Whew!

Thanks, Internet. I feel gayer now.

Holy Thundering Stereotypes, Batman!

The video game Grand Theft Auto IV was released this week.



Promotional posters are all over the New York City.



Guess which character is "rumored to be gay"?



That would be "Bernie", the feminine guy wearing the purple scarf.

Does This Manbag Make My Ass Look Fat?

You can always tell when you've crossed into Chelsea by the confident stride of muscle men with sequined purses.



Someone remind me please how many "S"s there are in Sssssssparkles.

I Need Serious Professional Help

It's now day four of watching the Kylie Minogue German Pretty Boy Video on a continuous loop on the spare monitor in my office.

This has to stop. I'm going to turn into this guy....



Hmmmmm ... actually ... he's totally hot ... maybe I should just date him.
We could make love while listening to Kylie.

SCHWING!

That was the sound of me reaching a new level of gay previously unknown to man.

They Grow Up So Fast

Look closely. Do you even recognize who this is?



/snicker

Strippers for World Peace

I have discovered something as bad, laughable and ludicrous as lesbian folk music to save the environment. It's gay disco against racism. Yes, there is actually a disco music video of gay, multi-ethnic strippers lip-syncing lyrics like "We all belong together."



I guess Jesse Jackson will be out of a job now that these go-go boys' rock-hard abs have solved the issue of race relations.

Barbershop Beauties

I was getting my usual buzz cut and shave at my usual Dominican barbershop here in The Heights and this book caught my eye. As I flipped through the pages I had a clash of emotions.



Is it just me, or are these mens' haircut books really, really gay? For starters the title just screams gay porn, "Men in Action VII". Booyah! And don't forget the thrilling sequel, "Men in Action VIII - Latin Fever!"

Almost nowhere else in pop imagery do you find men depicted solely as objects of beauty. Sure, exercise magazines offer pretty men with the thin pretext of athletics. But the pretext is there and it's key.

Men can't just be beautiful in America. They can only be accidentally or incidentally attractive as a function of something else ... sports, war, leadership, etc.

Romance novel covers offer pretty men, but the text is all about strength and heroism. Men presented as attractive without pretext ... gay. Anyone who looks at them, also gay.

But barbershop books break this pattern ... pretty men, presented as and because they are pretty, doing nothing.

Barbershop books were probably the first images of pretty men being pretty that were ever available to me as a boy. I've always found these books erotic. And since I have 30+ years of history with these books, I'm hard wired pretty deep when it comes to them. I never really cared about the haircuts, just the pretty men. There's something clandestine, exciting and yet skeezy about having erotic thoughts at a non-erotic venue like a barbershop. So flipping through the pages I felt just a bit self conscious. "I may as well stand on this chair and proclaim to the whole shop, 'I'm a fag and I wanna fuck all these guys!'" I thought to myself.

I "read" the book as long as I dared and put it back down. Odd that of all the sorts of outrageous things I'm prone to doing in public, this fairly innocent act would be the one to make me uncomfortable.

So I closed my eyes and went back to being shaved by another man (not gay at all) and pondering these deep matters of great importance. By the time my haircut was done I had mentally composed this blog post and wanted a photo of the book to go with it.

Again, quite out of character for me, it took some psyching myself up to do it. "If lusting over the book didn't scream 'I'm gay' surely composing a photo with the book will," I thought. Rather than asking permission I decided to just grab the book, place it in context, snap a photo and make a quick get away.

But instead of the shop owner skreeching, "My God! There's been a fag in our midst lo these many minutes! Get the torches and pitchforks!" to my surprise exactly the opposite occurred.

My impromptu photo session created a sudden flurry of interest. The Dominican barbers all came over to look at the image on my iPhone. My own, previously almost entirely expressionless barber smiled. "Look, barbershop art," I said.

He asked if I worked at a magazine. He actually seemed to beam with pride.

I think he felt that I'd captured the essence of his professional life with this image. It seemed to bring him some pleasure that I'd shown him the art in his daily life. I emailed him a copy of the image.

We all have art in our daily lives, of course. Sometimes we just need a little help seeing it.

As I walked away it occurred to me that barbershop books are one of the few instances in public where it's accepted that men may look at pretty men without the automatic assumption of it being gay as a pejorative. Oh sure, it's plenty homoerotic. But it's homoerotic with deniability, like pro wrestling and bodybuilding exhibitions.

We need more of that.

Or maybe just less of a societal need for deniability.

Or how about more books full of pretty men?

Yeah. That sounds about right.

All Gay Men Secretly Want To Be Madonna

Although with Carson, it's not much of a secret.

Nothing Gay To See Here, Move Along

One heartfelt post about astronomy and now we’re back to nipples. I feel so much better.



As you can clearly see from the photo, there is absolutely nothing gay about these “Hard, Sexy, Hot” guys. They are “For Crazy Ladies Only” and not gay at all. Nope. Not gay. Not even a little. No gay here. Just ladies’ men. Who are not gay. At all. Just a big pile of Latin dudes. Who are not gay. Nope. Not gay. They are “The Best, The Biggest.” And totally straight. Meaning not gay. At all.

Helpful Advice for the Curious Traveller

Suppose while traveling you decide on a warm afternoon to seek a brief respite from the sun in a friendly neighborhood dispensary of libations. And suppose further that halfway into your drink it occurs to you to wonder whether the establishment perhaps caters to patrons who are occasionally inclined to seek the company of members of their own gender.

Well then, dear reader, here are my travel tips for you.

First, when pretty boys clad only in leather aprons serve daquiries poolside in front of a giant rainbow flag, odds are pretty good you are in a gay bar.

And second, for reasons that elude me, fags smoking cigarettes, reading magazines and sipping martinis do not seem to appreciate cannonballs, no matter how artfully executed.

Happy Really Gay Birthday - Let's Mess With My Mom

Did the world really need a disco remix of "Happy Birthday" on an eight second loop?

Well apparently it did.

This is the Birthday Card My Mother Sent Me.

As with so many things that are over-the-top gay, gay, gay ... I'm intrigued, delighted and horrified.

At the bottom of the card, you can "Send a note back to Mom." Please! Everyone who reads this send my Mom a card and pretend to be me.

And now, hilarity will ensue.

I am so gay for the iPhone

Still Life on Lesbian Coffee Table

Can you find the maxipads in this photo?

Gay Toons

These videos are a level of gay I didn't know existed.

Super Mega Show Report

I'm a smidge behind on blogging about shows. So here's a catch up round up.

PHILLY

Kelli's Farewell Philly Show was awesome. I've performed for Kelli's room twice before and as they say, third time's a charm.

The one-woman marketing bonanza that is Kelli Dunham filled the place. The girl knows how to pack a room.

Right before the show ... "I'm ready for my close up."

Knowing what to expect going in this time I adapted my set list. I have several bits of which I'm very fond which don't play well for straight crowds. But they come alive when I do them for lesbians. Giving up a few fat chick jokes is a small price to pay for this transaction.

I still offended them a few times. But the difference is, this time I did it on purpose. I tweaked their noses with a little twinkle in my eye and a grin on my face.

But mostly we all just had fun together. There were a ton of dykes into polyamory so my riff on that subject brought the house down.

I mentioned the word and then said, "for the two people in this room who don't know what polyamory is ..."

They laughed so hard I had to stop and wait. Sensing an opportunity I dug in deeper.

"... for the two people in this room not actively engaged in the practice of polyamory at this very moment ..."

This got another huge laugh, especially from the people there with several of their polyamorous partners.

It was a good crowd and these were some of the best laughs I've ever gotten ... ever. It's not hard to figure out why. It was about them. It was about their interests. And it was very, very connected to what was happening in the room at that moment.

These connections are difficult to force. But they're easy when I just keep an eye out for an opportunity. As in normal conversation, the best joke is the spontaneous one that is relevant to the topic at hand.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

After the Philly show I got another PC speech along the lines of, "that joke offended me so you shouldn't do it." This time it didn't throw me the way it did last time. I asked her why she didn't like it. And then in the middle of what was actually a pleasant and stimulating discussion I said, "by the way, that's one of my best jokes and I have absolutely no intention of deleting it." The conversation continued and I was just amused by the whole thing.

Although, I continue to marvel that people have the audacity to make such a request/demand. It's one thing to say, "I didn't like it." It's another thing entirely to demand the absolute deletion of a work so that no one else may ever experience it.

I think I'll start asking joke objectors this question, "If you went to the MoMA and part of a painting offended you, would you demand that part be blotted over so that no one else may ever see it?"

It's not as thought I don't know how they feel. I hang out in comedy rooms full of straight boy comics. So I get offended all the time. A guy actually did some "homo" jokes in my room this week ... IN MY FUCKING ROOM!

You go to the gay comic's show to try out "homo" jokes?!?! SHEESH! That's pretty fuckin' balls-y.

I chuckled and shook my head. But I didn't say anything to him and I certainly didn't demand he stop doing the joke. Moreover, I did chuckle. The jokes were, in fact, funny. It's good to be offended now and then. They're just jokes.

ALL ABOUT KELLI

The Philadelphia Weekly has a great article on the strange and fabulous life Kelli has led. I learned lots of stuff about my favorite dyke that I didn't know. I'm quoted. I said lots of eloquent stuff in the interview about Kelli. Alas, the quote the reporter chose makes me sound like an inarticulate retard. Nothing says stupid like emphasizing a point with "really, really."

Here's the quote I wished they'd used. "Kelli has such a strong, natural charisma, she draws people to her without realizing she's even doing it. Spending a night on the town with Kelli is like chasing a giant, ever-growing snowball down a hill. You start the evening with 4 people and by the end of the night you have a fabulous, interesting, creative group of 20."

STRETCHING TO LONGER SETS

I achieved something I'm pretty proud of at the Brooklyn and Philly shows. I did two, almost 30 minute shows without using a written set list on stage. Before that, the longest set list I'd ever held in my head was 12 minutes. I still had a written set list on hand. But I had resolved to not look at it while performing unless I completely blanked.

The first time, getting ready was really hard. I took 4-5 hours. But I was determined to give up this crutch. The second time ... no problem. The skill has now been acquired. It just takes a certain amount of prep and discipline.

POLYAMORY BIT EXPERIMENT

When I got back from Philly, I decided to see if the polyamory riff could be turned into a bit that stands on it's own. I edited it and tried it at SuperEgo. Mostly it didn't work. I got some chuckles. But, not surprisingly, without the relevancy the material didn't get the response. The one solid laugh the bit did get was when I asked if anyone had heard of polyamory. Only one person responded. So I called her a "slut". That was connected to the room. So it worked.

That's fine. I expected a mediocre response and mostly I was proving a point to myself. I can file that bit away and haul it out when it's relevant to the crowd.

It's fun building a repertoire like this. I've got a nice little menu of bits to choose from these days. It's small but growing. And it helps with crowd work. The larger my bit menu becomes, the better the chance an audience member will say something that provides a hook into a bit.

It's all about looking for those opportunities to create a connection. A mediocre joke can kill when it's relevant.

GAYEST NERD ON THE PLANET

One day at comedy club, Leil David asked my why I carry two PDAs with me everywhere I go. I replied that while I organize my life on the Treo, the only good mobile application for playing the card game of bridge is only available for PocketPC. So, naturally, I need both.

This makes perfect sense to me.

After a moment of considered silence Leil says to me, "Dale your whole act is about being a big gay nerd ... and that is the gayest, nerdiest thing I have ever heard in my entire life."

This struck me funny, so I did what comics do ... I tried to turn it into a bit. Alas, the difference between mobile OS platforms (Palm vs. PocketPC) is too obscure for a general audience to work as a premise. (Guess that's another one I'll have to save for when I headline Linux World.)

But this observation by Leil an some other factors led me to new theme....

"I am on a personal quest to become the gayest nerd on the planet."

This theme has provided fuel for some great writing lately.

Even more satisfyingly, it has provided a link between the opening gay joke in my audition set and the nerd material that comes after it. I have struggled for six months with three sentences and the best segue I could come up with was clumsy at best, and a non-sequitur at worst. I'd been so frustrated with this for so long I finally had to just leave it alone.

But now I've got the perfect link and set up for my nerd material all in one. Prior to this, the nerd jokes lacked cohesion and all just sort of lay together in an unstructured pile, like dirty laundry on the floor. Now they all support an idea.

Thanks for the inspiration, Leil! You rock, buddy.

THE JOY OF RANT

Last week was really frustrating. (Don't ask.) So when SuperEgo came around I wasn't sure what to do. I'd written some material about how I'm too old for gay pride. As the day wore on and the show drew closer my personal emotions began to mix with the material and it hit me that I was in the perfect mood to do an angry set.

So I dug up a few angry jokes and did a whole anti-gay pride rant. It hit the jackpot. Much funny was had.

Angry material feels both dangerous and powerful to me. It's fun and scary to wield such strong emotions. The smart and super funny Sue Ball said to me after the show, "I like the angry stuff. You seem like a ranter."

I am a ranter. In real life, I rant almost constantly. It's pretty much my default mode of communication. I have opinions about virtually everything. It's a constant battle trying to keep them from getting me into trouble. And yet, this is a component of my personality I rarely bring into my act.

The thing I'm trying to wrap my brain around is how to integrate the ranting with my other material which is much more cute and charming. When I've tried to put both into the same set in the past, the audience seems to get emotional whiplash. Not surprising, I suppose, when I can go from endearing to jackass in 2.0 seconds flat. I'm not sure how to guide them through that. So they end up recoiling at the sudden hostility and I lose them.

Charming works by itself. Angry works by itself. I'm not sure if charming and angry can ever meet.

Maybe I should just give up all the nice stuff and become the gay Lewis Black.

One way or the other, the fact that this stuff scares me means I should probably explore it.

That is all.

At the Museum of Sex

A chick mag for straight men called "Gay Blade" ... oh the irony.

The New Masculine Colors for Summer

According to American Apparel these are "men's briefs".
Uh huh ... riiiiiiiiiight.

Wall-To-Wall Rainbows!

I'm at the fun and fabulous Rainbow Mountain Resort for a gig.

I'm staying in ... no kidding ... "The Cherry House".

It's gay here.

It's super gay here.

It's gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!

They have gay staff, gay drinks, gay food, gay games, pink lips painted on the pool, non-stop show tunes in the dining room, condoms on my night stand and rainbows on absolutely everything.

There's a shrine to "Sex And The City" complete with oil painting.

This place is so gay that it's even made me gayer ...

... and I didn't think that was possible.

Be warned! There are insane lesbians in the Jacuzzi here. We played a variation of "Truth or Dare" and ... well ... I don't think I can bring myself to tell you everything that happened in that hot tub. Let's just say I learned a couple things....

If you give me enough whiskey, I'm not shy about showing my dick to dykes.

... and ...

Did you know that tits feel different under water?

Thank you very much. I'm here all weekend.

Unfortunate Logos

There is a really good reason why we gays are so involved in the design world. 'Cause when we're not, you end up with stuff like this.




Logo for "Instituto de Estudos Orientais"

I Think The Moviefone Bot Has Latent Tendencies

AOL has added the "Moviefone Bot" to my chat software. So I thought I'd see if my new online friend shares my interests. While this juvenile idea is hardly original, I thought it would be fun to try the gay version of this stupid gag. Here are the amusing parts of our chat. My statements are bold and the bot's responses are italicized.

Do you like gay cowboys?

Enter a valid 5 digit zip-code.

10040

I found Some Like It Hot playing on 01/07/2006 but not anywhere near 10040. Try for another film, director or actor.

Does that have gay cowboys in it?

Gay Sex in the 70s

Yeah, gay sex was really hot in the 70s. But that movie didn't have any cowboys in it.

Pardon me? If you don't understand why I am not understanding you, just type, help.

Yes I need help. I need help finding gay cowboys.

Mm hm, now we are getting somewhere.

Yeah, baby!

Indeed

Isn't Jake Gyllenhaal the sexyist gay cowboy ever? Wasn't that scene where Heath Ledger fucked him up the ass really hot?

Excuse me?

Jake Gyllenhaal ... hot, hot, hot!

Brokeback Mountain

I'll see if this is playing near you.

Brokeback Mountain [opened on 12-09-05] is playing at

1 - Rialto Theatre
1:20PM | 4:10PM | 7:00PM | 9:45PM
2 - United Artists UA East
1:15PM | 4:15PM | 7:20PM | 10:20PM
3 - National Amusements Edgewater Multiplex Cinemas
12:15PM | 3:15PM | 6:15PM | 9:15PM | 12:15AM
4 - Clearview First & 62nd Cinemas
12:30PM | 1:30PM | 3:45PM | 6:45PM | 9:15PM | 10:15PM
5 - Loews Cineplex Lincoln Square
11:50AM | 12:30PM | 3:10PM | 4:05PM | 6:40PM | 7:45PM | 10:35PM | 11:15PM

Do you want to go to the movie with me? We can sit in the back and fuck.

That's unnecessary.

I think fucking is totally necessary!

Interesting. Why don't you try typing, help.

Why? Do you think I need help fucking? Are you offering to help me fuck?

That's rude. I'm here to help. Type, help if you ned it.

Yeah, you know it's rude! You know you want it, don't you nasty boy?

Mm hm.

Alright! Now we're talking!

Paradise Now

Are you a top or a bottom?

Take My Eyes

I give up. You're just toying with my emotions.

Yes.

I knew it! You tease!

Me and You and Everyone We Know

You hurt my feelings. I am going to go cry now.

You Want Me to Kill Him?

Yes! Kill him dead! Then we can be together, darling.

Indeed