Your New Obsession

I'm only going to say this once. So is everyone paying attention?

PLANTS vs ZOMBIES

Seriously. What else do you need?

Choose Your Own Adventure

The thing that makes World of Warcraft fun is there's always another adventure, another quest, another epic battle just over the next hill. This also makes the game hard to quit. As a friend of mine so aptly put it, World of Warcraft is a pie eating contest and the prize is more pie.

Last night I realized I didn't want to play any more. Since the game provides no ending I wrote my own. Each of my beloved adventurers chose a remote and favorite spot that had been important to them. I found the process peaceful and a little sad but beautiful, comforting and surprisingly poignant.

I watched the sunset on the ocean on my last character, logged off, deleted the application from my computer and canceled my account. I'm not saying I won't be lured back again by another expansion and weather too cold to spin poi. But this is the end of the story ... at least for now.

---

Sunset on Azeroth

While others seek fame and glory in far away lands, Cresil, wielder of the dark arts, master of worldly sciences, is ever vigilant. He, alone, knows a great evil lurks in the desert. Cresil keeps a lonely watch at the Gates of Uldum ... ready ... waiting.

Dr. Fabulous was born to party. Wealthy and beautiful, he had little interest in the comings and goings of his fellow elvenkind, and few ambitions. He did eventually venture forth in the world. To his surprise, he found strangers had a particular affection for him. The kindness of others shook his arrogance. Dr. Fabulous has returned to the majestic spires and seductive sirens of his homeland to reflect on his selfish and shallow ways. Perhaps he will find some humility there.



The proud, lone warrior Spanker traveled far and wide asking little of others and preferring solitude. He loved the earth and its many treasures. Spanker died courageously trying to learn the secrets of Oshu'Gun.

Exalted master of the elements, Thruster valiantly went to rescue his brother, Spanker. Alas, the proud gnome rushed to battle unprepared and his mighty powers failed him. In his shame he fled to the mountains on the back of his trusty dragon steed. Thruster renounced his possessions and many relics and is seeking comfort in the spectacular Nagrand sunset.



Orbs ... the first, the master, the great adventurer ... defeater of tyrants, slayer of dragons, tamer of beasts, keeper of secrets, beloved of heroes ... has retired. The Champion of the Frozen Wastes has given up crusading for the comfort of fishing and still hopes for that big catch. He loves the many living plants and creatures of the land and is always on the lookout for that rare flower to perfect his next exotic concoction. Perhaps above all else Orbs harbors fond, youthful memories for the warm fields and beautiful shores of Westfall .. the land of his first great quest.

It Came From Craigslist

If you enjoyed,

"Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers?"

Then you'll love,

"Guide to Gay Personals Ads"

and

"My roommate is obese and I am looking to have an intervention."

You're welcome.

Ciao, Venice! Arrivederci, Venice!

Our day and a night and a day whirlwind tour of Venice started with our studly taxi-boat driver taking us up the Grand Canal.



Who's a big lug? You are! Yes, you are!



These holiday snaps don't really capture the experience.

VENICE SELF PORTRAIT


This was the view from the roof deck of our B&B.



Venice offers absurdly quaint streets full of absurdly hot men, like the rest of Italy.



The streets are also full of lost tourists peering at maps.



San Marco Square is every bit as picturesque as the movies promise. For me the movie is Moonraker. I know it's nerdy and kitsch and Roger Moore is not among our more beloved Bond actors. I don't care. Drax was an awesome villain and the 007 gondola/hovercraft chase rocked!



Sadly this place is positively overrun. I'm told lovely photos and a little peace may be had at dawn. I wasn't motivated enough to make it then. Really, it's worse than Times Square. We could only take it for about twenty minutes before we had to flee.



I got an unexpected nerd fix late at night. This street bar has joysticks permanently built into the wood bar. They're connected to a game console with graphics so old I didn't recognize them. Drunk boys playing Street Fighter, bashing and slashing each other with virtual sticks and swords, are pretty amusing.



Overall I had a lovely time. I was a bit tired the first day from an early train, and overwhelmingly frustrated the second day when the crappy tourist map absolutely every news stand sells got me hopelessly and repeatedly lost for over two hours. I felt like I was in a really beautiful version of the Blair Witch Project. "Dear God, no! I've seen this lovely fountain before!" (If you go, be sure to get a Streetwise brand map before you leave.)

But I'm so grateful to have been. Mostly I just walked around and soaked it in. Venice defies visual documentation. It simply must be experienced.

Gayer and Gayer and Gayer

I often worry I'm not doing enough on my quest to be the gayest nerd on the planet. Oh sure, I founded a gay board game club. I performed a gay wedding of gay gamers in a gay guild in World of Warcraft. I go to tech shows and take pictures of both the gadgets and the nerd hotties. I masturbate to German gay soap operas while listening to Kylie Minogue. (Who doesn't?) But as I reflect fondly on events such as these I always wonder, "what can I do to totally fag out today?"

Today is the 19th anniversary of my coming out. I didn't plan anything special. I was thinking I might watch Flash Gordon again. That's pretty gay, right? But it just didn't feel like I was doing anything to up the ante.

So I did what I always do when I feel like I'm not achieving enough, surf Google Images for pics of hot guys. And I've just now learned that my coming out day, today, is the anniversary of the invention of the word "homosexual" itself.

Whew!

Thanks, Internet. I feel gayer now.

Holy Thundering Stereotypes, Batman!

The video game Grand Theft Auto IV was released this week.



Promotional posters are all over the New York City.



Guess which character is "rumored to be gay"?



That would be "Bernie", the feminine guy wearing the purple scarf.

The Gay Halo Fanboy's List of Most Fuckable Bungie Boys

Watching the behind the scenes videos for the making of Halo 3 I realized that Bungie is just packed to the gills with man candy. And since video gaming is predominantly the playground of young men, there's something inherently homoerotic about it.

If you wanna see the videos of these boys, ya gotta buy the Halo 3 Limited Edition.

Now on to the list!




Joseph Staten, Writing Director
Baby-Faced Dreamer
The Noah Wyle of Bungie



Damián Isla, Campain Engineer
"Don't I look hot in my glasses?
The Harry Potter of Bungie



Paul Bertone, Campaign Design Lead
"Are you lookin' at me?"
The Tough Guy of Bungie



Chris Butcher, Engineering Lead
Freakin' Adorable with a New Zealand accent to die for ... if he doesn't turn you on, you're officially brain dead.
Mr. Blow-Job Lips of Bungie



Tyson Green, Multiplayer Design Lead
"Dude! Where's My Car?"
The Hot Stoner of Bungie



Harold Ryan, Studio Manager
A bit pudgy for my taste, but there's just something about him
The Boy-Next Door of Bungie ...
... if you live next to a stud farm



Luke Timmins, Multiplayer Engineer
His nickname is "The Sausage King". How gay is that?
The Mr. "I Want Your Sex" Beard Stubble of Bungie
(Trust me, much hawter in the video.)



Xi Wang, Graphics Engineer
Who's got a cute smile?
You do! Yes, you do, pretty boy!
The Manga Fantasy Boy of Bungie
(OK, so this isn't the right "Xi Wang". This is a Malaysian pop star, but he's cute, so he'll do. Yes, I know I'm lumping all Asians together. Sue me.)



Marcus Lehto, Art Director
"Is my goatee gay enough for this video?"
Ya just know he's got a harness and some bicep cuffs at home.
The Leather Daddy of Bungie


and last but not least ...


Jason Jones, Founder
Hot, Smart and Loaded
The Prince William of Bungie


You're welcome.

A Dilema Only A Nerd Could Have

I've been playing BioShock, which is gorgeous with a sophisticated narrative and is generally, all around, freakin' awesome.



I was getting toward the end of the BioShock story when Halo 3 was released, which is gorgeous with a vast, incredible galaxy to explore and is generally, all around, freakin' awesome.



So now when I play BioShock, I wish I was playing Halo 3. But if I play Halo 3 I feel like I'm cheating on BioShock.

I need my mother call and say, "You finish your delicious, dystopian, art deco, first-person shooter, young man or you won't get any delicious, thrilling, science-fiction first-person shooter! Do you know there are children in China who don't even get to play Pong?"

So instead I'm playing Burnout Revenge and just hoping the pain will go away.



Of course, all of this is just to get my mind off World of Warcraft.



What a Dork.

More Wheaton

I found a video version of Wil Wheaton's PAX keynote. What strikes me about this is how well he knows his audience and how well he plays to them.

Ensign Crusher, You're So Dreamy

I am so gay for Wil Wheaton. Not only is he a total hottie, but he's smart and funny as all git out. He delivered the keynote address at Penny Arcade Expo, an annual gathering of video gamers. He recounts his childhood growing up in the 80s being a nerd. In telling his story he tells my story.

This magnificent bit of storytelling would be right at home on This American Life. Whether or not you're a gamer, this is worth a listen.

Thanks, Wil. You're awesome.

What are you doing Friday night?

I am now eXtreme to the Max!

I gots me an XBox 360 yesterday. It's shiny and it makes me happy. Or at least I hope it will.

I'm grooving on their online versions of European-style board games like Catan and Carcassonne.



Wanna play?

Drop me a line and I'll send you my gamer tag.

Nerdgasm

The biggest nerd orgy of the year, E3, the giant video game expo, is happening right now.

So let's see ... what's news?

The price for the Sony Playstation 3 basic system is going to be a kidney. And the high-end system can be yours for just one human baby.

Awesome!

Better yet, the PS3 is scheduled to ship the day after a massive comet destroys all life on this planet.

Sweet!

Nintendo announced recently that their next game console will be named the Nintendo Wii.

Say what?

The original name was Nintendo Revolution. Bitchin'. Turns out this was just the project name, not to be the final product name. So after a year of everyone calling it the Revolution, they change it to Wii.

Wii?!?!?!

You've got to be fucking kidding me!

According to the Nintendo press release, "Wii as in We" reflects togetherness and community.

"Wii will change gaming forever."

"Wii will bring gamers together."

Oh, I get it....

Wait! No really! I get it! In fact, I've got it! The perfect slogan.... Tell me what you think....

Dive Into the Pool of Wii

Genius no? Can I market the shit out of shit or what?


Bungie/Microsoft is previewing Halo 3, the first game that actually makes me seriously consider shelling out the cash for an XBox 360. While I'm sure the game itself will rock, the Halo 3 trailer for the game sucks. And when I say, it sucks, what I mean is that it blows, it's awful, it's embarrassing and I can't believe that the most well funded game studio in the world would release this dreck.

In the Halo 3 Trailer, the Master Chief walks to a ledge and looks over a cliff. That's it. End of movie.

Boooooorrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiinnnnnngggggg.

Right before Microsoft bought Bungie in 2000 to get its grubby little mitts on Halo, I saw the original Halo trailer at MacWorld. It was a work of art. Thrilling Action! Amazing Music! Stunning Vistas! Years later watching it still sends a chill up my spine. (I have a saved copy, I wish I could find a link for you.)

The Halo 3 trailer has none of that. Worse, the resolution sucks, the video quality sucks and the sound quality really, really sucks. It looks and sounds like a bootleg DVD you'd buy on Canal St.

After much digging, I finally found a hi-res Halo 3 trailer with surround sound. It's visually pretty, but still pretty boring. At least it's not technically embarrassing.

I don't understand why they burried this. It makes Halo 3, Windows Media video and Microsoft all look bad. How did the masters of PR commit such a huge PR blunder?


Spore, the new game from Will Wright, designer of The Sims, looks amazing. I can't wait to play it, which is ironic, because I never played any of The Sims.

(Don't skip the Flash intro on the Spore site. It's really funny.)

In Spore, you evolve your own species of creature from one-celled organism all the way up to intergalactic civilization.

Did you get that?

Evolve your own species! Conquer the galaxy!

How cool is that?!

Gimmie! Gimmie! I want it now!

(Fuck, I use a lot of exclamation points!)


Games and stuff are cool ... but the biggest reason to tune into the E3 coverage on G4TV is Kevin Pereira.



Not only is the smug little hottie co-hosting ... he's talking about his taint. (No kidding.)



Oh, yeah! Right there! Don't stop!

What a brat. He really needs to be punished.

Now let's see, where are my restraints?

The Ultimate Climbing Tree

I've been playing the new Tomb Raider, which rocks. And I saw this today and thought, "Wow! That looks like a video game tree that Laura Croft would climb." Don't the perfectly horizontal branches look oddly "fake"?

Katamari Makes Me Feel Warm and Fuzzy

Here are some links for you Katamari Damacy weirdos out there (you know you are, Bevin and Ron).


Katamari Beads


Katamari Cakes

Even More Katamari

Ode To The XBox 360

I recently wandered into a Circuit City. I had no particular expectations. I thought I'd drool over the Phillip PX50 plasma displays again, maybe drop twenty bucks on some blanks DVDs.

But then, as I looked up from the bitchin' 12-megapixel Nikon DX2, I was stopped dead in my tracks. What's this? There, before my very eyes, was a sight so amazing, so arresting, it shook my values to their very foundations.



It was Call of Duty 2, on the XBox 360, in Hi-Def.

It was beautiful beyond description. The scenery, rendered with details which make life itself pale by comparison. The motion, smooth as my first lover's touch. The blood, flowed like water from the fountain of youth.

And pixels, oh the pixels! There millions of them! Millions, I tell you. Millions of glorious hi-def pixels.

This was no mere game. This was an experience ... in Dolby Digital Surround Sound with 5.1 channel matrix encoding.

I watched it. Mesmerized.

I watched it and marveled. I watched it and felt a peace my troubled heart has never known. I watched it and felt ashamed at the hubris of desiring to posses something so exquisite. Truly a filthy wretch like me could never defile something so delicate, so sublime with a heathen's touch.

It brought the disgrace of my countless sins into stark relief. My fragile, feeble human mind was overwhelmed. I could bear its radiance no longer. I had to look away.

I staggered from the temple of the object of my desire, gasping for breath, clutching my pathetic substitute purchase. I looked at my dual-layer 16x DVD+RW media with Lightscribe technology hoping some for comfort. But it brought me no solace. How could it? Cast from the garden of the most holy, I began to realize ...

I would never feel joy again.

As the moment passed, I was filled with a deep sadness of this new and terrible knowledge. The universe grants each of us what seems a gift ... but becomes a curse ... one single moment of perfect beauty in a lifetime. Mine came without warning and passed in an instant.

In the aftermath of this tragedy, my life has been a hollow existence ... a vain search to touch once again that all too brief, wondrous moment which, in my heart of hearts, I know will never come again.

So heed this warning, please I beg you. Satan lives at Circuit City, dressed as an angel!

Seek not to view the face of true beauty and true perfection ... lest ye be left as I am ... a shadow ... broken and empty.

Oh yeah! And dude, the explosions totally rocked.

Oh Goody

The XBox 360 goes on sale in less than 2 hours. It's amazing, next generation hardware! Yay!

So let's see what games are available ... racing games, sports games, role-playing games and fight games.

Zzzzzzzzzz..........

I'll wait for the Playstation 3. Thanks.